Jo is often angry. I used to be too clueless to even know that she was angry (ahh - I miss those days). But I am still not clued-in enough to know why. In any case, I try to I warn her using Yoda's prophetic words linking fear and anger and the dark side. But life is good. It's hurtling by at every increasing speeds and I hate to blink in case I miss something in the ride of my life.
When I put Vivian to sleep at night (which happens infrequently - Jo usually does that), there is a moment when her tiny body collapses. All the rigidness goes out in one breath and she sinks onto my shoulder and neck. It's a special feeling. Should make me think of youth and innocence and no worries and infinite opportunities and all that. But it doesn't. I don't remember feeling innocent. Sure - I wasn't patently dishonest as a young child (that happened a few months later) - but my childhood had enough instances of guile and deceit and envy and other thoughts and emotions that don't rhyme with "innocent". And nor were there no worries. How big is the monster under my bed? Are my parents going to die in a horrible car crash and leave me orphaned? I think I have fewer worries now as an adult than as a child. Moving on to infinite opportunities - yes - they did seem endless. As a child, I never thought much of greatness in others. Alexander the Great conquered half the known world by the age of 30 - big deal - I always thought I could do at least as well by the time I got to that age - which, at 5 or 8 or even 12 leaves you with a good cushion. And as the grains of sand fall through the hourglass of life, they take away forever what could have been possible up to then. Once gone, there are no possible bifurcations. The past is linear. OK - I buy all that. But the flip side is this - would you trade where you are today to start all over again? Honestly - do you think you would? I doubt if I would. Not so much because I want to hoard all the lucky things that have lead to success and happiness so far. But mostly because of the fear of things having so easily gone horribly wrong - of knowing how close even a normal childhood is to disaster. On the other hand, since Arjun died last year, I can see the other perspective. Who wouldn't give up everything to see your daughter grow up?
It isn't just the Yoda allusion to the dark side. I am feeling a bit blue. Better document it.
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The blues suck, as does having lost Arjun. Enjoy every moment with Vivian, even the rotten, stinky ones. As she gets older the rotten stinky moments will outweigh the sweet ones for a while, but she will still be your baby and you will always be her Daddy and all of that time will seem to have gone by in an instant. Also, call me for some brownies. They are the only true answer for the blues. :0).
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